Thursday, March 13, 2014


Today I have another public confession to make.
A few weeks ago I posted about a girl at the mission- I’ve known her for 25 years or so.
Never really talked to her much.

But the last few weeks she sat next to me- a lot- asked if I could give her a ride- I mean it was obvious to me that for some reason she became ‘real friendly’.
So yeah- it did make me wonder- being this never happened before.

So- the confession.

Yeah- the other day I hugged her- rubbed her back- told her everything is going to be ok.

I brushed her long ponytail from the front of her face- to the back- real romantic like.

I held her in my arms- consoled her- let her talk- what she said didn’t make much sense- but I went along with her- like it did.

I gave her special attention- like you would if you were in love.

‘John- see- we knew it!’
What happened?

I was at the mission and Roger came around from the back of one of the buildings and said ‘so and so is tripping- real bad!’

I went around the back- and sure enough she was having a bad trip- hallucinating wildly- it was scary.
That’s why everyone left her- they didn’t want to be associated if she overdosed- or if they had to call the ambulance/cops.

I was worried- I tried to walk her to the front- she wouldn’t go.
I almost called 911.

But she didn’t want me to.

She started throwing up- I had to move her hair from the front of her face.

So- as she was having a very bad trip [I never saw anyone ‘wigged’ out this bad- up close].
This was the same day I wrote about my own acid trip years ago.

I was wearing my favorite black leather biker jacket that I bought in N.J. last year.

As she was tripping out- she associated with the jacket- she felt like it helped her.

Her ‘husband’ died about 5 years ago- they used to drive up to the mission on his Harley.
She even had on her black leather jacket this day.

As she was flipping out- she kept ‘seeing’ him riding his bike in heaven.

So- she thought my jacket was part of it.

I’m not sure what she took- but some think she took a hit of the ‘legal weed’.
I have had friends who were Heroin addicts- or Meth addicts- people who have done every drug to be done.

They have said they took one hit of this synthetic pot- and they never messed with it again.

So- I think this sweet girl simply heard that I was going thru some stuff last year- and I think now that’s why she was so friendly- kind of like John might be divorced or something.

No- I’m not- but I think now that’s why she was so friendly.

Well- she got her hug- and I spent a good hour just with her- because she needed it- bad.

The other day I was doing some outreach with my AA/NA crowd- the area where we do the halfway house.
My buddy and I were talking a bit.
I told him last year that when I went sober- I quit the porn- the strip clubbing- the whole 9 yards.
When I got back from N.J. the first thing he wanted to know is if I relapsed.
He was worried about me going to N.J. with only 6 months sober- and he thought I would use.
I told him no- he asks ‘what about the porn’.
I told him yeah- in that area I did.
He seemed to be relieved- because he- like many others- does watch it- and many of my buddies think its ok.
I’m kinda the ‘preacher’ of the group- and I have told them it’s not ok- Jesus said ‘whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her in his heart [soul connection].’
So- the other day I told him ‘no bro- I’m not looking at the porn any more’.
He kinda felt bad- and did confess that he still does it.

We talked a bit- he said some think porn- and masturbation are not wrong.
I told him that ‘the act’ itself- apart from marriage- is wrong.

The apostle Paul said he wished that the Corinthians would be like him- celibate- but if they can’t control themselves- then marry- because it is better to marry than ‘burn’ [in lust].
Notice- he does not say ‘if you can’t control yourself- then look at a woman and lust- and ‘get off’.
That option was off the table.

I pray for the criminal cases- follow the stories in the paper- yesterday I read the case of a Kingsville school board member who finally went to trial for sexually abusing young relatives over a period of time.
He fought the case- said he was innocent- yet after his conviction- did confess in court- they gave him 16 years in prison.
Now- why do these things happen?

The ‘act of sex’ associated with any other act- binds the soul to go back to the act- repeatedly.
That’s why sex offenders are a high risk of relapse.

Sandusky and others have shown this.

A few years back I read the Jeffrey Dahmer book- Dark journey Deep grace.
It talked about his conversion in prison- and how his dad reached out to him after he was convicted of his crimes.
His mom disowned him.

I later watched the interview he did with Stone Philips.
During the interview Philips asked Dahmers dad why he thought these things happened.
Dahmers dad gave- what I believe- was the key.

He said he felt his son had somehow connected the act of sex with the things he fantasized about- in Dahmers case- murder and eating his victims.
Now- we can’t understand this- but that’s why the act of sex- outside of marriage- is forbidden.

There is a connection made with the act- and if you associate it with the molesting of a child- or the viewing of porn- or in Dahmers case- cannibalism- then you are now connected to the thing.

 When I did my critique of AA last year- I felt the underlying issue to most substance addictions was indeed this very thing.
My friend- who tried to justify masturbation to porn- does sponsor a kid under him- who calls him- and confesses to this very problem.

My friend- the older sponsor- tries to help him with it- but never tells the kid that he too does it [as far as I know].

Now- if you yourself are not free- you can’t free others.

Many of these guys are free from alcohol- meth- heroin- yet they can’t seem to break this root addiction.
The most powerful drug- that the body produces- is the Dopamine that is released in the brain that gives you a feeling of wellbeing.

During sex- that’s the biggest release of this body’s natural high that a person can experience.

So- the addict has a sort of a built in way to get high- even if he doesn’t use outside chemicals.

The bible says whoever commits adultery with a woman destroys his soul.

Now- the next few days I want to talk about what the bible says about the act itself [climax- orgasm].

Over the years the church has gone to extremes on these things- but today I think we have gone too far to the other side.

I remember some church did a ‘sex every day with your spouse’ for 30 days campaign.
I saw the interview [it was Ted Haggard years ago].

And they were talking to all the church folk- about how it was working- they meant well.

Could there be damage- even in the marriage relationship- if you ‘over do’ it?


Does the bible ever teach that the act itself is wrong- the act of ‘doing it’- in and of itself?
If you read the bible- thru- it does indeed seem to say that the act of ejaculation- in itself is an unclean thing.


See- this is where we need to be careful- but these verses are indeed where the ‘old Victorian’ mindset came from
You know ‘if you do it- YOU WILL GO BLIND!’

We joke about this stuff- be where did the church come up with these teachings?
The official teaching of the Catholic church- in the Catechism of the church [which I have read by the way].
Is that the act of masturbation is a grave disorder.

They are right.
It connects the soul to whatever other act- thought- picture- or person.

There is a rule in the Old Testament about priests- it deals with being ceremonial unclean.

The rule was made just for the possibility if the priest had a nocturnal emission [wet dream].

It required him to go thru a cleansing period- if it happened.
There are teachings that come from scripture- about woman’s menstruation period- and how it talks about these things- using terms like ‘uncleanness’.

Now- I’m giving you a bigger picture then what we usually see- because we have a tendency- in the church- to have gone too far to the other side- trying to counter balance the older view of sex as ‘dirty’.

But- there are indeed many biblical verses that connect the act- even in marriage- as needing a waiting period before you can come back and ‘be clean’.

A famous story was when King David was on the run from Saul- he goes to the house of Abiathar- a priest-and wants to eat the sacred bread.

The priest makes the exception and says ‘as long as the boys you are with have not been with women for the past 3 days’.

These are just some examples- to show you that there is a strain thru out scripture that connects an uncleanness with the act.

Now- one of the reasons I bring this up is because I want to talk- the next few days- about why we need to leave this option open- the ‘no sex’ option- even in some marital relationships.

It will take some time to develop this- but there is a reason for it.

So- to sum up-.
No-it’s not ok to masturbate to porn- or to ‘do’ the act of sex- and associate it with any other act.

The ‘best’ way- according to the apostle Paul- was to never even engage in the act.
What about the mandate to re-produce- found in Genesis?

I’ll get to that in some later posts.

But- keep open the option- to live a celibate life.

And- in some cases- even in marriage.

When my buddy found out that I kicked the porn habit- in a way he felt convicted.
He confessed more about his obsession- and from our conversation I picked up that he has read stuff on it- trying to convince himself that if his conscience didn’t convict him- then it was ok.

But at the same time he spoke of tremendous guilt- how he can’t read scripture- because of it- his own words showed me that- like the Catechism teaches- the act is a disorder- it disorders the mind.

I told my friend that when I do the celibate thing- total- my mind is free.

That I don’t need to go and find some book on trying to justify it- that I know its wrong- and there are indeed scriptures that say so.

I’ll try and cover this subject the next few days- but thru my experience I have found that this issue- however it plays out- is a deep one- and we do need to talk about it- more.

NOTE- I work with guys who are addicts- in my last post I talked about using Meth myself.
Why are some of the guys who get clean from Meth- Alcohol- etc. Still struggling with the sex thing [by the way- if it’s not porn- in many cases it’s jumping from one girl/boyfriend to the next- this as just as bad- addictive].
Because the Meth itself is not getting you high- the Meth causes a release of Dopamine in the brain- that’s where the high is coming from.
That’s the same drug/chemical that is released during sex [in the brain that is].
So in a way the addict- who thinks he’s free- because he might not be accessing the drug of choice- in reality is not.
He’s just accessing the body’s natural drug- in another way.

‘The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord’
‘Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body’
‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.’
‘do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time [I think we need to make an exception to this- I’m not saying to violate scripture- but tomorrow I’ll explain- I think we need to leave open the door for marriage relationships without sex. I’ll explain more later] that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that satan may not tempt you’
‘I wish that all were as I am [single] but each has his own gift from God’
‘so then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage does even better’

1st Corinthians 7.

Ok- so far we have covered the power- the connection that the soul/mind makes when it experiences the ‘sex act’.
Today I want to talk about the other side- those who have been victimized by men.
When a woman/girl is either molested as a kid- or maybe brutalized as an adult.
Their mind is now connected to the sex act- in a very damaging way.
Say if that person still wants the companionship of a relationship- yet at the same time- because of no fault of their own- fears- hates the act itself.

Here’s where I think the church has made some bad- though unintentional- mistakes.
There are many verses in the bible that ‘command’ the woman to re-produce [Genesis] that say ‘the woman has no right over her body- but the husband has it’ [works both ways].

These verses can indeed put the woman- who by no fault of her own- under great condemnation because the church rarely teaches the ‘no sex’ option.
Though that option is not only given in scripture [the verses I quoted above] but it is also considered ‘the better way’.

Paul taught in the above chapter that if 2 married people decide to abstain from sex- it should be by the consent of both partners- and only for a short time- lest satan tempt them.

Now- in context- he’s talking about marriages that the couple went into- with mutual agreement that sex would be a part.

Paul also says ‘to the rest speak I- not the Lord’.
He gives some advice about things where God gave no clear commandment.
To the surprise of some- yes- the bible does not cover every detail of life.

So- if I may be so bold ‘to the rest- I too give my advice’.

Here it is- I think we need to leave the option open- especially in the case of a woman- who was victimized- to indeed have ‘no sex marriages’.
If the 2 partners agree- ahead of time- then that’s fine.

What often happens- in the case of an abused woman- she simply avoids relationships at all.
Or she wants love- companionship so bad [like we all do] that she does marry- and tries to have a sexual relationship [which indeed is the norm] but then blames herself for not ‘pleasing her husband’.
Or the pressure from family who want kids- grandkids- etc.

Add to this the churches focus on having kids- on pleasing your husband- the guilt of the poor girl- she in a way is still being victimized- but now it’s being done by the church- or family.


God did create the sex act- he intended it to be both for having kids- and yes- for it to ‘feel good’.

The church went thru stages where it kind of hinted that you should not even enjoy the thing.
No- that was wrong.
But the other extreme was to focus so much on it- that the church leaves a negative view for those who are called to live celibate lives- or for those who were traumatized- and by no fault of their own may never be able to do it again.
This week- as I do a few more posts on this- the purpose is for people to be free.
To not have self guilt- to see that they do have options- biblical ones- to take either road.

When we read the bible- we need to read it in context.

If we spend all our time focusing on the marriage relationship [like many churches do] and we leave out the other option [life without sex] then we make those who are called to a life without sex- feel tremendous guilt.

In the case of the woman who experienced abuse- it might indeed be GODS WILL- for the girl to never have sex again.

God is not a masochist- the commands to ‘please your husband’ or have kids.

These are not for everyone- that’s why I quoted the verses above.

Now- Jesus said ‘you shall know the truth- it will set you free’.

I hope today- some of you are free.

Today I’ll head to Bishop for our weekly meeting- think I’m gonna talk about Isaiah 38.
I also want to cover 2 friends who just died- within a day or 2 of each other- one of the New York crew who I have written about- and one of my Texas friends.
But I want to talk a bit about the sex thing- how the real need of people- girls in the industry- is they want intimacy- they seek for real love.

About 4 years ago- on my ‘downhill slide’ I started hitting one of the local strip clubs.
It’s been around for years- the Palace- but I never went before.
Of course in my early days [30 years ago] I went to clubs- like most young kids who party and stuff.
But it’s been a while [I don’t go anymore by the way].
So I walked in to the Palace- and over time met the girls.
They knew I was ‘new’ at it- the first day in the club I lit up a smoke- one of the girls said ‘hey- you can’t smoke in here!’
I didn’t know.
Over time- I saw how these girls get jealous- want to ‘have you’ as their own- and try- real hard- to meet you in a normal way- to go out with you without being at the club.
Over time- they would tell me ‘John- you can get our phone numbers- or give us yours- we text the customers- get together and stuff’.

I wouldn’t do it.

They asked ‘are you married’ I would say ‘yeah’.
As a firefighter I got into the habit of not wearing my wedding ring- guys have lost their fingers over the years on the job because of it- they might get it caught on something- and yeah- the finger gets ripped off.

Plus- I did lose a few rings over the years.
So- girls look at your finger- they can tell if someone just took it off for the club- they see the ring mark [I saw this on some show one day].
But my finger had no mark- because I never wore a ring.

One time one of the girls got mad- I don’t remember what happened- but she said ‘I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE MARRIED!
I told her ‘I AM’.
The people at the other able must have thought ‘gee- I never heard that line before’.

One of the girls told me one day she was a Messianic Jew and was going on some ministry trip to Israel for 3 months.
I did tell them that I was a retired firefighter- worked with the homeless- had a web site- I mean I didn’t lie to the girls.
So- I told the girl I had a section on the site just about Messianic Jews.
She wanted to read the site- I told her ‘I can’t give you the site’.

She asked why.
I said ‘I’m talking to you at a strip club for heaven’s sake- and your one of the dancers’.
She saw nothing wrong with it- she was mad that I didn’t give her the site.

Over time- the girls knew I didn’t take- or give out my phone number.

They would hint ‘I go for coffee at Starbucks every day- at 10’.

This was Eden- she was the prettiest dancer at the Palace.

One day she worked the day shift- I would start drinking at around 7 in the morning- drink 2 ‘40’s’ [2 Magnums- beer]. Then be at the club when the doors opened at 11.
I would drink shots of crown and Bud at the club- I told one of them one day ‘I’m pretty far gone right now’.
She was telling me I looked like I hadn’t even drank a beer- she thought I was lying.

I told her how much I had already drank- she then realized I was a severe alcoholic.

Eden changed her schedule to the day shift when she fond out I only come during the day [she was willing to make less money- so she could be there when I was there].

I could tell she liked me- and I felt bad for her- and many of the girls- seeing they want love- intimacy.
One time one of the girls called the manager- because the other one would not leave my table.

I wasn’t buying lots of lap dances [of course I did buy some] but she just wanted to stay at my table- so the other one [Bonnie] wouldn’t sit with me.
So Bonnie got the manager to move her.

It wasn’t for money- I told Bonnie I was not going to spend any more money for a lap dance- she said she owed me one- on the house.

One day- drunk as usual- I told one of the girls ‘Ok- I’ll say my phone number- just once [after months of never giving it- or taking any].

So I blurted it out.
Later I thought 'I hope she don’t remember the thing’.
The next day my phone rang- I didn’t answer it.
I got about 5 messages over the next few weeks- but whoever was calling [I figured it was her] just let the message thing play out- but never said anything. One day I heard a message- it was silent for a few seconds- then in the background I heard ‘answer your phone John!

What did I do?
I changed my number the next week.

In my short experience at the clubs [maybe a year?] I saw that the girls wanted love- I talked to them honestly- and even though it was not ‘ministry’ they did want to talk- about life.
I made the mistake one day of asking Eden ‘are you in love with me’?
Without hesitation- she said yes.

Now- the prettiest girl at the Palace- trying to get me to meet her- telling me where she drinks coffee- changing her schedule- why?

One of the girls one day said ‘we like you John’.
I asked why.
She said ‘you talk to us’.
I said ‘don’t all the guys?’

She said no- she pointed at one guy and said he just stares at us like a zombie.

The sex industry Objectifies women- it makes them objects.

God ordained sex involves intimacy in marriage- when we look for ways to enjoy the sex- without the intimacy- commitment- it destroys our souls.

It damages the girls- and the guys.

The first day I met Eden- I walked up to her- being a new girl [on the day shift] and said hi- asked her to sit at the table for a few drinks.

Then- the very next day- I saw some ‘new’ girl- who I never met before.

I walked up to her- she was as beautiful as Eden- I said ‘hi- I never met you before- would you like to have a few drinks’.

She looked puzzled- like she wanted to say something.
She went silent- and said sure.
After a while- I realized it was Eden.

The girls realized I was already blackout drinking- a few times the manager was going to call me a cab- I got mad and drove myself.

Was Eden in love with me?

I don’t know- she said she was.
Over the next few weeks- every time I saw her- she would say ‘I’m still waiting for you- to say something’.

At first I didn’t know what she meant- then I realized she was waiting for me to say ‘I love you’.
I never did- I don’t know if she will ever find it where she works- because most guys go there- to see an ‘object’.

NOTE- I think the girls thought I was lying about being married- so I wouldn’t go out with them- and they saw my ring finger- realizing I hadn’t wore a ring in years. So in a way it made them feel insecure- like ‘why won’t he go out with us’.
The reason was I just couldn’t have a ‘girl’ on the side- and do the homeless outreach. I mean I realize my ‘standards’ were not high- but there were lines I would not cross- and this was one of them.

 TUESDAY NIGHT- Just got back from Bishop- and wanted to do an update.
Earlier today I saw Tennessee for the first time since he has been out of the hospital.
Dirk and Tennessee were both at the mission for the first time since Dirk stabbed him.

Obviously Tennessee is mad- and talking about getting even.
A few of the Bluff crowd tried to calm Tennessee down- I did tell him ‘don’t take it personal, but if you guys go at it- whoever is on top- I’ll have to get involved’.

At one point he walked over where Dirk was- I followed.

Dirk took off.

I did pray for Tennessee- he appreciated it.
As I saw the rage he still had- he also mentioned how his family were effected- crying- he was indeed at the point of death.
It wasn’t just the fact that he was stabbed- but how it hurt his family as well.

I also saw the Terri for the first time since she had an episode the other day.

I gave her a hug- she told me she felt ashamed to show up this last week- she threw up and stuff- and felt bad.

This really was the first time I have been nice to the girl [I wrote why these past few posts].
I had a good talk with her- the sweetheart took out all the church cards she had- from Real Life Church.
Had her bible and stuff- I felt bad for her- just the stuff she has gone thru.

Last week while sitting at the mission I saw I had a missed call- from Rick- one of the street friends I made last year in New Jersey.
I listened to the message [I rarely do this] and he told me Mario died.
One of our friends.
The same day- or around the same day- Buck also died.
Another alcoholic here in Texas that I have been friends with for years.

I just took a picture of Buck this last week- I’m sure it’s the only one of him- I took a few this past year.
I’ll try and print a few- hang them up at the mission- post them to the site [Terri’s picture too].
I have felt this year that God was saying time is short- we need to use it well.

I’ll talk more about it tomorrow.

Yesterday I spoke on Isaiah 38- Hezekiah the king is sick- and the prophet is sent to him by God with a special message- here it is-
‘set you house in order- you are going to die’.
The king prays and recounts to God all the good things he has done- how he tried his best- made the best effort he knew how to make in life.

God sends another message- he says ‘Ok- I have heard you- you got 15 more years’.

He also says he will give him a sign- the sun dial of Ahaz will go back 10 degrees.
The sign was the message- basically God said ‘I’m turning the clock back- just this last time- give it all you got’.

In Bishop I spoke about the shortness of life- the bible says ‘teach us to number our days that we might apply our hearts unto wisdom’ ‘all flesh is as grass- like the flowers- they grow up in the morning- and are gone by the evening’.
As we left Bishop- I drove past the house and grave yard where Eli’s brother is buried.
Died many years ago- BeBe was probably the most dangerous friend I have known over the years.
I preached at his funeral [back in the late 80’s] and his remains sit on the same property where we hold the Bishop meeting.

Eli- who I do the meeting with- is the younger brother that resembles BeBe the most.
I baptized Eli many years ago- in the pool I set up in my yard when we were doing a home church in Kingsville.

Buck and Mario died within days of each other.
I have been telling the guys this year- that I feel like time is short for many of us- that is we need to do the things that count- don’t just live with a survival mentality.

God gave the king an extra 15 years- to make something of it.

I’ll end this week’s post with some good advice- from a best friend -

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Note- Do me a favor, those who read/like the posts- re-post them on other sites as well as the site you read them on. Thanks- John. Don’t forget to scroll down on the timeline [FaceBookl] - I have posted lots.

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