Thursday, March 06, 2014




[I think everyone should read this post- till the end]

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours at the mission- then went to see how pop’s was doing.

It’s funny- the last few times I went to see Pop’s he says ‘it’s right on time- Gods working in this’.

I usually catch him when he needs a ride- or help with something [I even had a pair of expensive cowboy boots David found at the halfway house- I gave them to Pop’s].

He was just getting ready to see Charlie- the boy he has taken care of most of his life- Pop’s is like a dad to the kid [kid- Charlie is around my age- 51. Pop’s is 75].

We went to see Charlie at the hospital- this is the first visit I have made since he woke up out of a coma.

Charlie has been a severe alcoholic in and out of the hospital lots.

Was beat up years ago while drunk- has steel plates in his head.

He looks great now- I have never seen him looking so good- even when I worked with Charlie in the past.

We had a good talk- I took a picture of Pops and Charlie at the hospital- I’ll post it when I post this.

There are lots of interesting things that go on in ministry stuff- I always get a kick out of the funny stuff.

While I was visiting Pop’s at his apartment- he just put up another old guy about 2 weeks ago.

Jim too is a recovering alcoholic- and I have talked with him a time or 2.

He asks if I’m a preacher- to be honest I don’t like to describe myself that way- but said ‘sure’.

He wants to share with me a verse- from the ‘orthodox Greek’ version [most bible students have studied some Greek- that’s the language that our New Testaments were originally written in- I have a Greek lexicon here at the house- gives you the actual Greek word and definition to every word in the New Testament].

So- Jim- along with Pop’s approval [you know- Pop’s says ‘yeah- that’s the original Greek!’]

Jim quotes the verses about the antichrist in the gospel- and he says- in the original Greek it says ‘BARACK OBAMA’.

So- I don’t really know what to say- I mean it’s funny- sittin’ there with these old boys- kind of mixing scripture in between these things- not wanting to laugh- so I guess I said something like ‘wow- I never caught that one’. [Note- I know Big Mike- Mike Jake Duffy- might like this one].

I had a laugh the other day- Pop’s is truly a good man- he even showed me the V.A. suicide hotline number that he’s been calling every night- because he was so distraught over Charlie possibly dying.

He made plans where to bury him- if they were going to cremate him or what.

Yeah- Charlie was that bad.

But Pop’s likes to talk- a lot.

I don’t mind- but he might go on for an hour- and does have so many stories- I began to wonder if pops is a ‘little’ paranoid [yeah- like me at times].

So- he tells me he has been calling the suicide hotline- sounds like he talks to them- every night- for a few hours- which is ok- don’t get me wrong- but I get the feeling that Pop’s is in a way just wanting to shoot the breeze- like when he goes on with me.

He tells me ‘yeah John- the guy I talk to is out of New York- I told him preacher John is from that area’.

So I kinda think Pop’s is maybe telling some of the stories he has shared with me.

So- I’m being a bit more careful about Pop’s stories- he tells me yesterday- while we were driving back and forth ‘they say I’m paranoid schizophrenic- you think that’s paranoid!’- He tells me this after a few more stories- and to be honest- I was already starting to think this- before he asked [funny- don’t get me wrong- the old man is a great guy- and some of his history is indeed true].

But there are so many ones- I can’t verify them all.

He calls the other day- worried about how the people who are helping out with Charlie’s stuff might be ripping him off- he goes into an elaborate thing- how the girl next door- is now with a Black guy- whose name is the same first and last name as Charlie- Charles Young [which is probably true].

But- some of the disability checks of Charlie are missing from the mailbox- and the girl who’s dating the ‘black Charles Young’ also helps the White Charlie Young with his medications.

Now Pops thinks she might be using her boyfriend’s name and cashing Charlie’s check.

All this is possible- and stuff like this goes on all the time.

But as I’m talking to the old man on the phone- for about an hour- he gives me the phone number of one connection- then the next person- then the MHMR contact [a few more]- then the number of a relative out of state- in case Pop’s ‘winds up dead’ by morning.

So- I do write them all down- the names and all- by the time Pop’s was done- I filled up the whole piece of paper that I use for my daily routine.

I’ll post that pic too- funny.

I love working with these guys- they are all trying to help one another out- yet we all still have issues.

In many ways we are sick people- helping other sick people.

There is a prophecy in the bible about Jesus- it says the people will someday say to the Messiah ‘Physician- heal thyself’.

This was fulfilled at the Cross- when they said ‘if you are the Son of God- then come down from the Cross’.

That is ‘if you think you can really help people- then help yourself’.

But you must see- that in order for him to help others- he had to stay on the Cross- he had to suffer things- things that would leave permanent scars.

I love Pop’s- and yes- I began seeing a while ago that he does suffer from some of this.

He tells me yesterday- after he sees me praying and giving them the answers from scripture and stuff- he knows I have been doing ministry for a while.

He sees me praying for Charlie- and quoting scripture- talking to Charlie about taking advantage of this time that he has been in the hospital- almost 2 months- clean.

Pops says ‘John- when I get paid- lets pick up some street drunk and we will take him out to eat- and we can try and help him make a change- but you do the talking’.

Pop’s is for real- even though he too still carries some scars.


Let me talk a bit here. And be very honest. These past couple of years I wrote about things- struggles- problems- that for the most part- people hide.

I spoke about not looking at porn anymore- because it destroys a person’s soul- yet- it was not easy to get free of it- but over time- I did get free of it.

 I also quit drinking- I mean not even the wine at communion.

Last year- I was advised to get a mental evaluation- I didn’t want to- but basically was forced to.

Nothing was definitive- but at the initial evaluation they asked things like ‘do you look at fire’.

I mean I was amazed- one of the ‘new’ habits I picked up- was ‘looking’ at the fire that I liked starting in my yard- early in the morning.

‘Do you walk long distances’ just that year started walking 10-15 miles- a day.

‘Do you eat well’ if 1 meal a day is well- then yes.

‘Do you drink lots of coffee’ only 1 pot at the house- then 3 more cups at the mission.

Frankly- I was surprised that I did indeed fit the criteria- or at least the questions they asked- I fit the bill.

Of course that’s just one thing- but there were other things like that- that did surprise me.

I love the movie ‘a beautiful mind’- but when I first watched it- I joked about something- but it did make me think.

My office and room [and even the yard- and the back side of my house] had verses from the bible that I painted- and put ‘post’ it type notes in my office- painted bible verses on my office ceiling and walls that resembled the part in the movie where you see all the papers that John Nash clipped out and hung on his walls.

So- in the process- this was no definitive thing- which my friend who has a lot of experience with MHMR told me later that because of lots of reasons- they don’t want to give a ‘true’ determination- because of the prescription pill problem- basically they let people go undiagnosed- because they don’t want to prescribe valium/Zanax.

Now- when I went thru my withdrawals 14 months ago- I did need something- but never took anything- I went cold turkey- at one point it was bad- I knew my body/mind was truly addicted to alcohol- my friend who has lots of experience in AA told me I was the classic case of the hard core alcoholic- that he saw it in me before I ever admitted it.

At one point- he told me he would give me a Zanax.

Now- some of my friends are hooked on them- even though they are sponsors in AA- and many of them do lots of prescription meds.

I never took the Zanax- because I know you’re not supposed to- unless it’s a prescription.

So I did the cold turkey thing- for real- and it worked- though my body rebelled.

Nor did I take any other meds for any mental health thing- though- to be honest- I thought they should have at least given me a sedative.

Now- today- I take nothing. But- at times- especially last year- I knew there was some stuff wrong- violent thoughts- suicidal thoughts- at times- nonstop.

I was mad- and said- on more than one occasion ‘I can’t believe they didn’t even give me valium- or anything’. [they prescribed some sleeping pills and an anti-drinking thing- which makes you sick if you drink- I took the sleeping pill once- maybe twice- but it didn’t help- I never took the anti-drinking thing- I had no insurance and it was 100 bucks a month].

I was bad- literally going off the rails.

I say that to say this- like John Nash in the movie- I have learned to recognize when I’m not doing my best.

I can see it myself- even when I go back and read some of my posts.

When I post them- I do the best- most honest job at the time.

But sometimes I read them later [weeks or months] and I can see- what many of you probably see- that yes- maybe I- like Pop’s- might not be seeing things clearly.

I chose to leave those posts up- so others can maybe benefit from them.

Often times we see ourselves- our short comings- when we reach out to others- and this has happened to me.

I thank God I am able to do my best- I think I probably still have some effects of things- but I’m better today than I was last year.

My only ‘sins’ are- I smoke- a lot. Almost 3 packs a day. Even some of my street friends have told me to slow down.

The other sin?

Anger issues.

That’s it.

So- I felt this post script fit well here- tomorrow I’ll talk about the good day I had with some of the guys- we went to the Island.

Note- There seemed to be things that indicated a problem- that went many years back.

One of the things that ‘tipped’ off the possibility of a mental health issue was my discharge from the Navy.

 When I went thru some of my evaluation- the lady asked me ‘and how long was it- after your discharge- that you got help’.

I told her ‘well- now is the first time’ [33 years later].

She flipped out- she was mad [not at me- but the system].

Till this day- I still have not been treated for anything- that’s fine.

I would not take the meds- to be honest- the only thing I felt they should have done [last year] was some type of sedative.

It was obvious- to even me- that something was not right- and the suicidal thoughts- and the other things- were major signs of getting some type of treatment.

Thru my experience I learned that there were serious flaws in the mental health system.

The doctor who saw me said ‘well- you seem to have functioned at a high level for many years’ [retiring from the fire dept. - ministry- radio- etc.].

But what I was doing- to ‘function’- was basically self-medicating- thru alcohol.

When I quit drinking- I thought the violent thoughts- which I have had for as long as I can remember- would go away- or ease up.

But the opposite happened- they shot up 100%.

I mean I saw it- I recognized there was a problem- yet the system simply did not want to prescribe anything.

I never lied during my evaluations [as many do- for SSI checks].

But it seemed as in if the doctor was waiting for the right catch phrase- and I was honest- and when those questions came up- I answered truthfully.

I do like the movie A Beautiful Mind- I’m obviously not John Nash- but he decided to cope with his mental issues- without medication.

I am no way as bad as John Nash was- I have never had hallucinations- or delusions.

But Paranoia- other things- yes.

I probably should write  more on this- but for now I thought I would just add this as an addendum to this post- hope it helps.

During this time- when I was asked about ‘do you have violent thoughts- like hurting someone’.

I said yes- it wasn’t against the people involved in what happened.

But I told the doctor ‘yes- I have violent thought towards ‘so and so’.

I mean I was worried- even for his sake- that something might happen.

So- this whole process- took some time. I told someone the other day- a person I am trying to help- that I too was going thru stuff- and this year I’m doing better- but not fully there yet- not 100%. But I believe God is going to help you this year- he has good things for you- don’t give up.

Yes- I do see myself- at times- in the people I’m trying to help.

I see the verse I quoted above ‘physician heal thyself’ when you reach out to others- and love people- and try to be honest and open- you do help yourself too- even if you still carry some scars from the past.

Note- the other day I gave someone a ride from the bluff- he- like the others- has told me he hates ‘that cop’. But this day- as I helped him [word is out that John was- well let’s say ‘mad’ at the cop too].

He hinted ‘yeah John- he’s really not a bad guy- I would drop it’.

This is not the first person that has said- words to that effect.

More than one person has either said this- or hinted at it.

I began to realize- that yes- things were getting pretty bad.

As I thought about it this year- I’m sure the doctor had to notify the police- when I did indeed say ‘I’m having some violent thoughts about doing something’ and I told the doctor who I was talking about.

Look- these weren't threats- I basically said ‘give me some type of sedative- for his sake!’

So- it was bad- and I saw it.

NOTE- There are things that I learned- that I always heard about in life- but never really believed- or understood how they could be ‘real’. I never really believed  blackout drinking- until it happened to me- on more than one occasion. You just don’t remember how you got home- or where you parked. My friend Rick- from North Bergen- one of the street crew- I told him about my situation- and that I quit drinking. He said he had a friend that told him he drove home from Patterson one night- and did not recall how he got home.

Also- when I was asked ‘do you have thoughts of hurting yourself- or anyone else’.

I said yes- I even told my wife one day that I was afraid I might actually  kill someone. I was scared of it.

These thoughts are almost like what Christians call ‘visions’- I mean I was ‘seeing’ my self doing it. My shotguns got stolen last year- when I was in North Bergen- but I was worried [before they got stolen] that I might use them- on someone- or myself. You kind of ‘see it’ happening- it’s hard to explain.

The reason I walked- all day- was it occupied my mind. I would listen to classic rock- walk- and not stop till the day was over.

I was scared of it- the thoughts.


Since I have come back from N.J.- I have asked the Lord to fill up each day- ministry- meetings- or just like the old days- spending whole days out on the street [sober!] and running into the guys.

Yes- that’s my favorite of all.

Yesterday I spent the morning at the mission- talked to some friends- we do talk about God- scripture- life change- in a real and open way.

I know some of my Christian friends think that doing this- yes- I do not fit the bill of the ‘perfect’ Christian- and at times I do curse- I just told you all I’m a chain smoker.

I don’t do these things on purpose- to ‘look cool’ that’s just the way my life turned out- and to be honest- I think God uses it at times.

So- I leave the door open for what God wants for the afternoon- meeting- or what?

Whistler asked me if I could give CJ a ride to the island- I knew that was the plan for the rest of the day.

I have a friend- Will- who lives on the island and he does usually need a ride from the mission- so I packed the car with CJ, Will, Whistler and Larry.

Last year Whistler’s mom passed away- he went back to Idaho for a few months and saw family he hasn’t seen in years- one of them was Larry- his brother.

I think it was 25 years since he has seen him.

Last week he told me his brother was gonna try and come to Corpus and start over.

So- I took CJ- she wanted to sell the pretty beach necklace type things- I have had homeless friends [guys and girls] do this over the years.

They make them out of sea shells- trinkets- neat stuff.

We spent about 3 hours- CJ sold some necklaces.

I walked the beach- I love to walk- and it’s been a while.

I had a good talk with Larry- shared some of the stuff I have been teaching in the meetings.

I’m trying to stick to a certain theme each week- both on the Blog and with the people.

Larry told me just this last year for the first time he read a few Christian books- and God has just started working in his life- perfect timing.

I talked to him about the 4 lepers- how they thought all hope was gone- and they took a chance- and God turned things around.

I shared some of my story from last year- how I too thought I was going back to N.J. for good- and had to be willing to make some major life change.

I saw God working this day.

When we got back to the car- headed to the Bluff- we had some fun- I was joking a bit- talking with my friends.

CJ offered to give me 20 for gas- and for taking her to the island.

I told her just by me a pack of Cigarettes.

Then she gave me ten bucks- I took 6- then before we left- I told her ‘just pick out one of your necklaces- I’ll give you the 6 back- and I’ll hang it on my mirror- here’.

She said ‘what does it get for you to just take some money?’

She wanted to pay me for helping- but I see this as ministry- and I feel better when I don’t take money.

I’m glad I took CJ- why?

Like I said in the last few posts- on the streets- you see girls- some of them are cute/pretty.

I just met CJ this year- she rides her bike to the mission and at times dresses- well ‘nice’- in a way that you might if you were ‘working’ so to speak.

I’m sure she gets hit on all the time- working or not.

I also have told you guys I make it known- when I run into them- that I’m not looking for anything.

Being CJ is one of the prettier girls- when she rides by on the bike- or walks by- I have ignored her- I don’t even say hi.

I was extra rude- I didn’t mean to be- but I was.

But this day- she saw that I’m not like that- even Whistler was talking about the verses I shared this week.

He found some type of finger looking thing- it looked like a finger from the Lepers- in the story I taught to the guys this week.

I’m sure this is the first time- maybe ever- that she was out at the island- with guys from the streets- and me.

And sure enough- talking about God.

This whole environment has been a way I have seen God work- many times.

I dropped them off back in the bluff- CJ kept asking ‘don’t you want 20 for your time- the  gas’.

No hon- I had a good time.

Yeah- we all did [I’ll post the pics of CJ and the guys- CJ is 5 months pregnant- and kept saying ‘well- people are giving me dirty looks- do they have a problem with a pregnant girl in a bikini!’- I told her- no CJ- it’s beautiful- I asked her ‘can I take your pic- I’ll post it on my site when I talk about this day’. She said sure.]

NOTE- I debated about telling this part- because mental health issues are not funny.

But- I have always had a sense of humor- so- when I did go for my evaluation. At one point they asked me ‘so-you were in the Navy- what did you do’ [I was a corpsman] I said ‘would it help my case if I told you I was the commander of all Naval Forces’.

The lady laughed- I mean you’re not supposed to laugh at your patients. I told my daughter Debbie when it happened- she said ‘I can’t believe you said that!’

Why even talk about stuff like this?

The bible is full of stories of people- real life failures- struggles.

I think Christians make a mistake when they try to hide stuff.

When people- who often struggle with the same things- see that others do to- that helps them.

I do indeed quote scripture- and teach the bible- but there are still struggles- stories- to be told.

The bible exposes people- we know about Peter denying the Lord. Paul wrote the Corinthians and said ‘it was told to me by the house of Chloe that there are divisions among you- and I partly believe it’.

Now- he even mentioned the names of those who told him of bad stuff.

I don’t make light of this stuff- but these are real things that happen in life.

You might go to a Christian site- and they have done studies on how many pastors are addicted to porn- the number is high.

Yet you will rarely read of them talking openly about it.

Yet you will read bible teaching- on the site- that simply talks about scripture [which is good]- but Paul said ‘you who say a person should not commit adultery- and do it yourself- you will be judged’ Romans. The point is- if we are teaching the bible- which contains this warning- and yet are never giving our struggles- then it really doesn’t help- it’s a lie in a way.

If they keep it hidden- it will still control them.

That’s just one thing- but you could give many other examples.

So yes- I open up- and try my best to be as honest as possible- this helps people- part of the Cross is being able to do this. I think more should.


For the rest of this week- it’s time to tell the story.

The other day as I was the mission- I told one of my friends ‘yeah- when I was in the Navy- I was popping lots of Ephedrine pills’.

I said ‘yeah- I think it’s called Ephedrine’-

He said- reluctantly- yeah- that’s what it’s called.

Most of my buddies are on Meth.

Meth is made- on the street- by buying over the counter cold and flu medicine- and thru a process- you extract the Ephedrine from the other stuff.

Some states have made it illegal to buy it over the counter anymore [cold and flu med’s] because of this.

When I was back in North Bergen last year- I faced some of my past.

I hung out at White Castle- right across from the old bowling alley in Nungesser’s.

One time I overdosed on Mescaline [1979] - and thought that was it.

I was with Fred- a good buddy- and we walked into the bowling alley- I looked in the mirror- and my face was deep purple. [I was hallucinating]

I began feeling my face- and I was numb.

Fred saw how bad I was- I asked ‘what should we do’? He reached in his pocket- and pulled out a Cross his mother gave him he said ‘John- this is all I can think of”.

He gave me the Cross.

I had a bad trip- it lasted for a  few days- my friend Fred put me up for a couple of days- we both thought that I might have not made it.

I had flashbacks- for many years- even at the fire dept.

When I was in North Bergen- I hung out at Hudson County Park- with the crew.

I told Nick- ‘I almost killed my buddy here- 30 years ago’.

I was at the carnival with Frank one night- and I told him ‘if I see cheech tonight- it’s all over’.

Sure enough- about an hour later- Frank says ‘there he is!’

I walked thru the crowd [cheech was/is a big boy- was with a biker gang out of Fort Lee at the time].

I didn’t know if he saw me- it was crowded- but as he got close- I hit him- hard.

Everyone cleared away- I hit him a few more times- drop kicked him in the face- and when he went down- I wouldn’t stop.

My friend pulled me off.

He was later admitted to the hospital- and till this day- has scars from that night.

Fred- who hung out with Cheech- later told me cheech said he has never been hit so hard in his life- he still thinks I used something like a pipe.

We did make up- a few years later- after I became a Christian- I went back.

I hooked up with Fred- and told him ‘I want to see cheech’.

He warned me ‘maybe you better not John’.

I said ‘don’t worry about it’.

I saw cheech- nothing happened- he later told Fred ‘John looks different- not as violent as before’.

[When I saw Fred- after about2-3 years- he told me he saw cheech about a month after this happened- and Fred said he asked ‘what the hell happened to you’. Fred laughed- he said he looked bad- of course it was not funny- but I guess he looked like he got hit by a truck or something].

I was at out our halfway house last year- got a call- it was cheech.

He told me he was staying at a halfway house in Newark [he did 8 years in prison for attempted kidnapping and robbery- he and another old friend were in a biker gang- the Chingalings- out of NY city- they planned to kidnap a guy and rob a safe that supposedly had lots of cash- on 79th street in North Bergen. In the biker gang there was an undercover agent with the FBI. When they knocked on the door- they were busted].

I went to Newark- but the halfway house was closed.

I told a friend ‘I’m gonna try and visit cheech’- he said ‘you made that big boy cry’[I met some people- I did not even remember- and they would say ‘John- you were crazy’- I would just say ‘yeah- I was a bad kid’- but in reality- this was just a way of not facing the things I did]

I never saw cheech after the fight- until a few years later- but they said he looked bad.

He thought I beat him with a pipe- I didn’t- but did hit him very hard that night.

I was told at the time ‘the cops are looking for you’- not soon after- I joined the Navy and left New Jersey.

When I arrived in Texas- I was stationed at NAS Kingsville.

I was a corpsman- and the guys told me ‘John- you can get free drugs from the pharmacy- your one of us’.

I didn’t believe it was that simple.

I walked up to the pharmacy one day- and the guy gave me a bottle of Ephedrine- pure Meth- not the diluted stuff you get on the street.

I finished the bottle in about 2 days- and when the guy running the pharmacy found out- he flipped.

It was supposed to last a month.

I have told people I never did Meth- in reality- I did the pure Meth.

Over the next few days- as I tell this story- I don’t want to glorify it- but a few people have asked me why I go kicked out of the Navy.

I usually say ‘I was a bad kid’- but obviously there was more to it- this is ‘the more’.

NOTE- There was a reason I was looking for cheech- he owed me from a previous deal- it would take too long to get into it. But in the end- of course it was not justified. The other incident took place in Perth Amboy- I mention that because when I went back to New Jersey last year- in a way I wanted to see these old spots [to make amends’?]. I drove to Perth Amboy one day- looked for the park- didn’t find it- but made the attempt. This day- Cheech pulled up at my house in a nice Chevy Nova- we drove it to Perth Amboy. I asked ‘where did you get the car’? He said ‘I found it- running- with the keys in it’. Oh.


A few weeks ago- I was joking with a few of my buddies- ‘hey- send &^% down to work the T-heads’.

The other buddy- joking back- said ‘Maybe you should go down and work the T heads’.

I have written about the girls who do ‘work the streets’ [prostitute for drug money].

But yes- some [not all] of the guys do this too- they will pick up guys [or get picked up] for money- this is life for some on the streets.

When my buddy said ‘maybe you should’ I said ‘let me tell you a little story.’

Here it goes.

One night at the base in Kingsville- during this short time of getting high- doing the Ephedrine [I told a friend yesterday about this- who was big into Meth- he said I was indeed doing pure Meth] I told a friend ‘let’s leave the base- go to the bus station and head to Houston’.

We called this going UA- unauthorized leave.

So me and Fye took off- went to the bus station in Kingsville and said ‘we want 2 tickets to Houston’.

He said we didn’t have enough- I asked where can we get with this money.

He sold us 2 tickets to Corpus Christi.

We bought the tickets and off we went.

Got to Corpus in about 30 minutes and began this short excursion.

Hung out- yes- at the above mentioned T heads by the bay front.

We got high- also got robbed- that is Fye asked some black guys in a car if they had any weed to sell ‘sure’- he took the cash- never saw him again.

After a couple of days on the streets [my first actual homeless time] we used the bathroom at the bus station- sold some blood for cash- and came up with a plan.

Now- this is the T head thing.

I told Fye ‘tonight- I’ll walk along the strip- and pick up some guy- with the best car I can find’.

Now- I never ‘actually’ worked the T heads- like some of my friends did.

No- this is what we called- excuse me to my gay friends- but the term was called ‘rolling the queers’.

This was not the first time I did stuff like this- or attempted.

Cheech and me one night [before the above incident] were going to do it at Hudson County park- the same park I mentioned above.

We came close- but didn’t do it.

So- sure enough I walked along Shoreline drive [this was 1980-81?]

It was late- and some guy- around 40 or so pulled up.

‘Looking for a good time’ sure.

‘Let’s take my friend too’


The plan was this- I told my friend when we get to his house- I’ll beat the hell out of him and all you have to do is make sure you get his car keys.

He said ok.

This was my first time in C.C. - and I did not know the area- as a matter of fact I kept confusing it with the Chicago bay front- where I was for boot camp and corpschool.

He drove us over some bridge [today I know this was the Harbor Bridge].

We went to some unknown town [now I know we were in Portland].

And we went to this guy’s house.

He served us a couple of nice German beers- big bottles.

I thought ‘this will work great- I’ll down the beer- and use the bottle to beat the hell out of him’.

He went into another room- and I downed the beer- and told Fye ‘as soon as he gets back- I’ll jump him’.

I sat for a few minutes- and I knew this was going to happen.

Before you act out any violent act- you get sort of a high- like you realize you passed a point of no return- and at that stage you have already decided to do it.

That stage already happened- its’ very rare to turn back then.

But- as I waited- I looked up- and there was this huge painting of Christ hanging on the wall.

As soon as I saw it- it seemed like God was saying ‘one last chance John- just one more’.

I told Fye ‘you know what- the deal is off’.

The guy came back from the other room- I said ‘you know what- we have to go- drive us back to the bay front’.

He did.

On the way back we didn’t say much- but when he dropped us off- I got out- turned around and told him ‘I was gonna beat the f#$ out of you and rob your car- you lucked out tonight’.

He got scared and realized how close he came to getting hurt.

He took off real fast.

We spent a few more days on the streets- I told Fye ‘I’m tired- hungry- I’m going back to the base and turn myself in.’

They put me in a building they used to detain trouble makers.

A couple of days later Fye got the room right next to me.

NOTE- You don’t think when your using- getting high. I had basically over dosed 2 times in the past year. The acid I did in North Bergen- and the Ephedrine. I could have accidentally killed this guy- or he could have shot me. You don’t think of the danger involved. We were going to rob his car and drive to Florida. I mean this would have been auto theft- assault- serious crimes.

I had the effects of the Meth overdose for many years.

When I got my life on track- I realized one day that I had no feeling to my big toes- they were numb.

I’m sure I messed up my circulatory system in some way- after about 10 years later the feeling did come back.

But who knows what other type of damage I did to myself- that I never found out?

[I edited this post- thought I needed to].

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